1. 十个大兵与两个小偷的故事

Ten soldiers were setting up tents in the forest preparing for the night. 
Later, two thieves arrived and attempted to rob them of their rations, but were caught. 
The soldiers told them, "We would kill you, but we're in a good mood today.
 We'll release you if you can make us all laugh." The thieves reluctantly agreed. 
One begins to tell a humorous story. 
After the story, nine of the soldiers are laughing hysterically. 
However, one is merely looking at the thief with a blank stare. 
Consequently, one soldier told the thief "Sorry, not all of us laughed," and killed him.
The other thief was nervous after seeing his friend killed, so he told a much less entertaining story.
No soldiers were laughing except for the one who didn't laugh previously, so they killed the second thief as well. 
After killing the thieves, the soldiers asked their friend, "Why did you laugh during the second thief's story but not during the first's? 
It was much funnier after all." 
He responded, "When the second thief was speaking, I finally understood the first thief's story, and it was damn funny."

引用Zootopia（疯狂动物城）的一个场景，so hilarious!：

2. 狮子和森林动物的故事（给乌龟跪了）

One day a lion wakes up in a bad mood and summons the other animals in the jungle. 
"I want each of you to tell a joke, but I warn you that if anyone of you fails to laugh, I'll kill the one who told it. 
Let's see, monkey, you will be first." 
Shaking with fear the monkey begins, "Two men are in the street and..." 
When he finishes, everyone bursts out laughing save the tortoise. 
"The tortoise didn't laugh!" roars the lion, pouncing on the monkey and ripping him to pieces. 
Then he orders, "Elephant, you're next." 
Cursing through clenched teeth, the elephant begins, "A drunk walks into a bar and..." 
When he finishes, all the animals split their sides laughing except the tortoise, who remains impassive. 
"The tortoise didn't think it was funny!" exclaimed the lion who, seeing that the furious elephant is about to step on the tortoise, kills the elephant with his claws. 
By now, everyone wants to murder the tortoise, but nobody dares move. 
"Now it's your turn, tiger," orders the lion. 
The scared tiger begins, "They say that Little Red Riding Hood..." 
At that moment, the tortoise falls over laughing. "What's with you?" bellows the lion. 
"Tiger hasn't finished yet..." 
To which the tortoise replies, "The monkey's joke is hilarious!" 

3. 王后跟三个犯人的故事（the queen will get watermelon shoved up the third prisoner’s ass? hahaha!）

Three prisoners on death row are summoned by the queen for a chance to be free. 
The queen tells the prisoners they have one day to go into the jungle and bring her a fruit. 
If she likes it, they are free to go. 
However, if she doesn't like it, the fruit of their will be shoved up their ass, and then killed they will be back on death row. 
The first one comes back with grapes. 
The queen does not like the grapes and while the grapes were being shoved up his ass, the prisoner was crying. 
The second prisoner returns with an apple. 
Again, the queen does not like the apple and the apple gets shoved up the second prisoner's ass. 
However, the first prisoner noticed that he was laughing while the apple was being inserted. 
When asked why he was crying, the second prisoner said "I saw the third prisoner coming back with a watermelon."

本文地址： http://xpleeandroid.github.io/2016/07/07/English-Jokes/